Archives For trauma informed care

Why Are We Mad? Anger Iceberg: Pt. 2

Heloise "Lois" Ridley, MBA, MA —  March 10, 2020

We Struggle too!

Anger among caregivers is an area I struggle with, from being and working with Parents. Family-based counseling therapeutic methods taught me a great saying:

“it is better to connect before we correct.”

It’s much harder to connect first than to demand kids fix their actions and attitude. It requires us, caregivers, to reach beyond the anger for their HEART.

As a mom of six children (plus a few extras), I understand the many many challenges of parenting. Did I say many? For this reason, I do not judge parents and caregivers who struggle.

I also do not judge caregivers who have spoiled their kids with a lack of discipline, thereby losing their respect. These kids also tend to struggle significantly with anger.

Reconnecting = Reaching Below Anger

When kids are little, reconnecting can be more straightforward because giving attention and kind words are the primary solutions. It seems both children and youth mostly understand genuine love and care more than anything else. 

Teens often require more time and effort than younger kids. It can take more work to earn the privilege of connecting if they are consistently angry. Furthermore, if teens stay upset, they may resort to harmful behaviors to cope with their emotions.

After reconnecting with the child or adolescent, I personally revert to reviewing the importance of showing respect and consideration for authority figures, including therapists.

Yes! It’s Discipline Time 

For some, this part of parenting is the most difficult, and it seems like a quick fix to have someone else fix/discipline our children. But what else is to be expected of them if most of the time with them is spent yelling? If this is the approach, both parents and children will continue to rise up the escalator of anger.

This anger iceberg tool may also illustrate what feelings are really underneath brewing. Sometimes understanding how we feel gives us options in our reactions.

This is an ongoing journey for many parents and caregivers. Therefore, there is no use judging a caregiver needing more effective methods to help reach angry kids and youth. Instead, I try to lead with a heart to help, with useful tools like anger iceberg illustration above CLICK FOR PDF FROM INNER GROWTH.

Here is another excellent illustration option below, which was found on the Gottman family website CLICK FOR GOTTMAN LINK

The Bottom Line

Children, by lousy behavior and anger outbursts, are just attempting to say, “I really need and would like a much more loving, positive attention… then your discipline and advice.”

“Your kids require you most of all, to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.”― Bill Ayers

In Care Giver Resources, Education, Parenting, Social Emotional Learning, Trauma Healing Recovery, Trauma Informed Care ,
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Why Are They Mad? Anger Iceberg: Pt. 1

Heloise "Lois" Ridley, MBA, MA —  January 5, 2020

What is the real reason behind our kid’s anger? Or perhaps the better question is, “What can we do about it? This anger iceberg diagram is one tool I’ve found to be useful in understanding how anger truly works beneath the surface.

It can be easy to assume a child’s anger stems from surface-level events, but more is underneath that behavior or attitude than we could imagine.

For example, I met for a session with a child client after a long unexpected absence, and they were very angry with me. Initially, they physically attempted to push me away many times as I walked into the room. I understood their anger was sadness and disappointment because of the time distance.

I have had many fun times with them and their family in the past, but it was easier for them to be mad and reject me. I have experienced similar reactions with teens who will emotionally push me away by acting rude or distant initially.

Since anger is an indicator, the diagram above http://innergrowththerapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/AngerIceberg.pdf gives us a visual to help identify what is happening.

anger iceberg = symptoms 

When the children or youth are angry, it is not time to reciprocate their emotions. Nor is it time to lecture them about their manners and behaviors. Instead, I like to try asking if they are sad or hurt in an attempt to help them start expressing their feelings with words.

In Care Giver Resources, Parenting, Trauma Healing Recovery, Trauma Informed Care , ,
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Celebrating New Law for Trauma Informed Education in PA

Heloise "Lois" Ridley, MBA, MA —  July 10, 2019

IMG_6187

I’m sooooo excited this week! In my email was great news I believe will help hurting kids and their families. A Trauma Informed Care victory for students in Pennsylvania schools.

I’m thankful for all the hard work of legislators who pushed Trauma Informed Educational Practices into law. This article says state Rep. Christina Sappey penned the bill which was recently signed into law by Gov. Tom Wolf. While there are governmental laws recently put into place for TIC, this new law provides guidelines for schools.

While it feels like I beat my own little trauma drum with my family, clients, colleagues so often my little ones even have trauma informed care (TIC) acronym jokes. I do this because I believe it’s important. Some people sometimes even get annoyed as they begin to practice TIC when I remind them of the patience and self-care required in trauma healing.

This PA legislation just the beginning but it is encouraging. It will take hard work but we need to move forward this educational agenda to help hurting children and youth who are often misunderstood.

What is Trauma Informed Care anyway?

Many people ask:

 “What does that trauma stuff mean anyway?” or my favorite,

“You’re just coddling those kids, they need to get over it…I did!”

As a counselor I often feel more like a trauma translator. Helping people realize there are other solutions. What I appreciate is when caregivers and service providers need solutions and become curious enough to ask:

“What difference does it make if we try trauma informed care?”

Trauma Informed Care in practice may promote a significant difference in a child’s life.

It may support their emotional healing and enhance their developmental growth. 

Let me ask you.

What does it feel like when you feel people actually “understand” what you are saying? When they “get” you? How does that motivate you to communicate more with them?

Let’s be honest. We as people typically enjoy feeling loved, appreciated, and listened to. Although grace is an oversimplification of TIC, it is the heart behind the philosophy. Plus,there is a ton of neuropsychology brain science and neurobiology data supporting the practice of TIC to heal ACES. ACES are the adverse childhood events researchers use to describe those significant challenging things that happens when someone is a kid. Explaining ACES and the science behind trauma healing is another story and not critical to begin.

Implementation of Trauma Informed Care (TIC) is Definitely a Journey

After explaining some of the science briefly, I help the caregivers and service providers slow down long enough to find out “what happened to the child” before responding aggressively to their angry outbursts. Loving them anyway before requiring necessary consequences. With my own six kids, I definitely get tons of practice. Learning to apply TIC is a character-building journey for the caregiver.It may also require us to investigate why we respond the way we do.

Research is showing us how effective TIC can make educational practices more effective… slowly. I know it will take a “minute” to trickledown in schools. The school wide implementation process can be daunting and take years. Motivated individuals however can equip themselves on how to provide Trauma Informed Care to those they support and educate.

For now let’s celebrate that PA is catching up. Yayyyy!

In Trauma Healing Recovery, Trauma Informed Care ,
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Parents and Teachers Response Tools for Community Shooting

Heloise "Lois" Ridley, MBA, MA —  February 17, 2018

“Parents need support understanding how to help their kids cope and process this tragedy… not just this one, but the  many others students live through that don’t ever make it to the headlines.”

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In Care Giver Resources, Education, Parenting, Trauma Healing Recovery, Trauma Informed Care , , , , ,
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7 Lessons for Trauma and Crisis Healing Learned @ Global COP

Heloise "Lois" Ridley, MBA, MA —  April 2, 2016

Global COP

Hello again,

I posted on my Parent and Family Support Facebook Page about this. I learned so much at the Trauma Healing Institute’s (THI) annual event: Global Community of Practice. I was grateful we as students of Global Trauma Recovery Institute (GTRI) were allowed to attend as part of our immersion trauma training.  Our professors Dr. Diane Langberg and Dr. Phil Monroe are leaders in TRI and support its mission:

“The Trauma Healing Institute at American Bible Society is equipping people, churches, and NGOs around the world to care for the more than one in seven people worldwide who suffer severe wounds of the heart and spirit in the aftermath of conflict, disaster or abuse.”

American Bible Society: 7 Lessons from the Global Community of Practice National Reports

These and many more tips I learned from attendees who reported updates and trauma healing testimonies from almost every continent.

National representative shared how they implemented the Healing the Wounds of Trauma: How the Church Can Help (HWT) curriculum for adults and children which has been translated in 173 languages for recovery training workshops in 68 countries for lay and professional caregivers as well as support interventions to aid refugees and others who have suffered trauma from war, immigration, conflict, natural disasters, extreme poverty, violence, domestic abuse, rape and other losses.

  1. It can be done! There are many unsung heroes in the world who work with God to bring drastic or even subtle reform in people’s lives. They may work with groups but its often done helping one hurting person at a time.

  2. Culturally relevant interventions help heal invisible and sometimes secret emotional trauma wounds for survivors and victims… (HWT) is a great example.

  3. To be effective in trauma support: it is critical to listen to their perspective first. Listen. Listen and then listen some more before offering suggestions or opinions.

  4. Many wounds are helped by encouraging and allowing trauma survivors and children in crisis to tell their story and receive compassionate listening and validation. WOW!

  5. Multiplication with God is effective for ministry: The THI organization tries to not only help individuals but also utilize training weeks to equip new support providers who will then work to become facilitators.

  6. Some national reports (including the US)  left you weeping and were difficult to even listen to let alone imagine how the survivors endure. So many in our are suffering horribly in complex situations and we do not have clear answers. We each need to help trauma survivors and victims in any way we can with long-term effort.  

  7. Testimonies were inspiring and reminded us that it is worth persevering to heal trauma wounds. The integration of the Bible and Psychology is effective medicine.

     

It was a room full of heroes as far as I am concerned. Many pictures I still cannot share.  It was a blessing to hear God’s work through Healing the Wounds of Trauma curriculum which has been adopted in numerous cultures and languages around the globe.

Hearing worship in various languages at the same time was perhaps the most delicious part of the event. I cannot express in words how fabulous it was. I saw some friends wiping their eyes afterwards too so I get the impression I was not the only one touched.

Now, I am wondering how HWT has been used to help trauma and crisis victims and survivors who are Children and Youth in the US? Mmmmm….

If you know PLEASE share your wealth of knowledge =) You can use the comments or the contact form below for my inbox.

 

Blessings to you today,

Heloise

 

 

In Human Trafficking, Trauma Healing Recovery, Trauma Informed Care
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