I greatly appreciated these NeuroLogic videos as a mom of 6+2 during the sudden Coronavirus-19 shutdown pandemic of 2020. My head felt like a roller coaster juggling the shift to organize both my family and teletherapy for several agencies with different protocols. What a ride!
Continue Reading...Archives For Emotions
What is the real reason behind our kid’s anger? Or perhaps the better question is, “What can we do about it? This anger iceberg diagram is one tool I’ve found to be useful in understanding how anger truly works beneath the surface. 
It can be easy to assume a child’s anger stems from surface-level events, but more is underneath that behavior or attitude than we could imagine.
For example, I met for a session with a child client after a long unexpected absence, and they were very angry with me. Initially, they physically attempted to push me away many times as I walked into the room. I understood their anger was sadness and disappointment because of the time distance.
I have had many fun times with them and their family in the past, but it was easier for them to be mad and reject me. I have experienced similar reactions with teens who will emotionally push me away by acting rude or distant initially.
Since anger is an indicator, the diagram above http://innergrowththerapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/AngerIceberg.pdf gives us a visual to help identify what is happening.
anger iceberg = symptoms
When the children or youth are angry, it is not time to reciprocate their emotions. Nor is it time to lecture them about their manners and behaviors. Instead, I like to try asking if they are sad or hurt in an attempt to help them start expressing their feelings with words.
Admittedly anger is a common and difficult emotion to deal with whether you are feeling it or on the receiving end from someone. I have noticed the explosive and damaging impact on family life when anger goes unchecked. When it’s from a child it’s often difficult for caretakers to contain and manage. Anger in adults can also be difficult to help unless the individual chooses to address their challenges.
I recently found a great video on anger on Dove.TV channel YouTube. I enjoyed therapist Patrick Doyle because he breaks down components of anger then discusses how to understand and deal with adult’s who have anger management challenges. What I love most about this resource is how Doyle weaves in his personal challenges to overcome overcome anger that was a byproduct of his childhood abuse by one of his parents. I found it to be a relatable and practical resource I have recommended to many so I decided to write about it. Part 2 Looking Beyond the Anger was even more useful for information to deal with anger.
Since anger is unavoidable whether we express it or not, I have a few principles for people to consider:
1. Anger is a symptom. If someone is angry, including myself it’s typically just the tip of a glacier iceberg and indicates a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. In this video, Patrick describes anger as often a symptom of underlying hurt or injustice the person perceives they have experienced. I call these “glasses”. Our childhood and life journey often impacts how we view offense.
2. If someone says they are not angry but often appear smoldering has investigation work to do. For some reason they are unaware and unwilling to accept their own emotions. I ask questions like:
Why?
How long has it been this way?
If answers are not obvious and easy then I pull out a trauma-informed lens to further ask root questions that begin with
What happened to them?
What was their family of origin like?
3. Grief and disappointment are often subcomponents of ongoing anger. These troubling factors are often not easily resolved so it’s usually also time to consider any coping techniques. Kids especially benefit from learning ways to “Get the yuck stuff out” and so do adults. If we don’t… we are back to step 1 symptoms.
4. Some people continually choose not to show or express their anger. Kids often do this because they have no clue how to use words. Adults may minimize pain and pretend they aren’t hurting. Then the symptoms may show up like illnesses. Kids may also act out and mistakenly seem to have an attitude or low motivation. Meanwhile the root may possibly unresolved trauma.
Even in our weaknesses when we may feel, sad, tired, depressed, angry, enraged, scared, disgusted or overwhelmed… God cares how we feel. Even if it’s God Himself that you are mad at.
I think I did most of those emotions at some point in just the last week!! LOL
“Ok, so what do I do?”
Well it depends on what rocks your boat… and how badly it hurts inside.
I may talk/cry to God about something that bugs me as I buzz around doing my routine.
However, if it’s horrible and involves a hospitalization of a loved one, a final, an expense we need a miracle for, a kid that is way out of line or something similar…
I need to pause to pray/weep/grieve over the situation with God.
Then I usually need to find specific Bible Verses that remind me of God’s promises to help me stand in faith. Like the one below.
Since my goal today is to also help you teach your children what to do with their negative emotions, find self-control and emotional intelligence… I will add the next picture verse: 
It may be important to teach them to NOT do naughty things (sin) even if they are furious or sad. I don’t focus on sin but God does want them safe.
If this concept hard for you to implement with your littles let me know. It can be tricky!
I have 6yo twins and a 10yr old still at home so I realize it’s a process to train children in self-control.
I will add the tactile things I also need to do if I’m overwhelmed with negative emotions.
I may also journal/beef on paper about a struggle,
blast Kirk Franklin or Andi Mineo music, sing badly and loudly,
go for a walk,
dance with a baby,
or draw something about it. (My drawings look more like flowcharts but that’s ok you get the point.)
Do something with God and pour out those feelings. Getting them out is part of the healing process. Going close to God and talking to Him about how we feel is a part of the process. Then His grace and help are available!!
It’s a good deal. A trade. He takes our yuck and gives us His love.
Verse and link below:
“For we have not a high priest that cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities;
but one that hath been in all points tempted like as we are,
yet without sin.
Let us therefore draw near with boldness unto the throne of grace,
that we may receive mercy,
and may find grace to help us in time of need.”
Hebrews 4:15-16 ASV http://bible.com/12/heb.4.15-16.asv
If you know someone who is struggling please share this post with them and let me know. We all really need each other.
Blessings,
Lois
This verse explains how to help our children gain emotional intelligence and resilience. It is not easy in today’s world for our kids to navigate through social media, bullying and peer pressure. By introducing them to the One and teaching them His ways we help them understand who they really are. Not what others tell them. Our kids gain identity and emotional intelligence.
I added the framing verses in Deuteronomy those in the image above to give context. Our prevailing goal is to tightly bond our children to God and his unconditional love and encourage them to focus on his design for their lives.
Then hopefully the world cannot tell them who they are and what they should want. This of course is not a foolproof formula. It’s a relationship.
Children once they get older make choices that are good, bad, horrible and sometimes dangerous.
But…. if they know Him and His ways they may choose to seek to God to help them find their way out of trouble, depression and challenge.
If we as parents teach them… we empower them.
Blessings!
Lois
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.
Impress them on your children.
Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.”
Deuteronomy 6:5-7, 9 NIV
http://bible.com/111/deu.6.5-7,9.niv
