Admittedly anger is a common and difficult emotion to deal with whether you are feeling it or on the receiving end from someone. I have noticed the explosive and damaging impact on family life when anger goes unchecked. When it’s from a child it’s often difficult for caretakers to contain and manage. Anger in adults can also be difficult to help unless the individual chooses to address their challenges.
I recently found a great video on anger on Dove.TV channel YouTube. I enjoyed therapist Patrick Doyle because he breaks down components of anger then discusses how to understand and deal with adult’s who have anger management challenges. What I love most about this resource is how Doyle weaves in his personal challenges to overcome overcome anger that was a byproduct of his childhood abuse by one of his parents. I found it to be a relatable and practical resource I have recommended to many so I decided to write about it. Part 2 Looking Beyond the Anger was even more useful for information to deal with anger.
Since anger is unavoidable whether we express it or not, I have a few principles for people to consider:
1. Anger is a symptom. If someone is angry, including myself it’s typically just the tip of a glacier iceberg and indicates a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. In this video, Patrick describes anger as often a symptom of underlying hurt or injustice the person perceives they have experienced. I call these “glasses”. Our childhood and life journey often impacts how we view offense.
2. If someone says they are not angry but often appear smoldering has investigation work to do. For some reason they are unaware and unwilling to accept their own emotions. I ask questions like:
Why?
How long has it been this way?
If answers are not obvious and easy then I pull out a trauma-informed lens to further ask root questions that begin with
What happened to them?
What was their family of origin like?
3. Grief and disappointment are often subcomponents of ongoing anger. These troubling factors are often not easily resolved so it’s usually also time to consider any coping techniques. Kids especially benefit from learning ways to “Get the yuck stuff out” and so do adults. If we don’t… we are back to step 1 symptoms.
4. Some people continually choose not to show or express their anger. Kids often do this because they have no clue how to use words. Adults may minimize pain and pretend they aren’t hurting. Then the symptoms may show up like illnesses. Kids may also act out and mistakenly seem to have an attitude or low motivation. Meanwhile the root may possibly unresolved trauma.
