We Struggle too!
Anger among caregivers is an area I struggle with, from being and working with Parents. Family-based counseling therapeutic methods taught me a great saying:
“it is better to connect before we correct.”
It’s much harder to connect first than to demand kids fix their actions and attitude. It requires us, caregivers, to reach beyond the anger for their HEART.
As a mom of six children (plus a few extras), I understand the many many challenges of parenting. Did I say many? For this reason, I do not judge parents and caregivers who struggle.
I also do not judge caregivers who have spoiled their kids with a lack of discipline, thereby losing their respect. These kids also tend to struggle significantly with anger.
Reconnecting = Reaching Below Anger
When kids are little, reconnecting can be more straightforward because giving attention and kind words are the primary solutions. It seems both children and youth mostly understand genuine love and care more than anything else.
Teens often require more time and effort than younger kids. It can take more work to earn the privilege of connecting if they are consistently angry. Furthermore, if teens stay upset, they may resort to harmful behaviors to cope with their emotions.
After reconnecting with the child or adolescent, I personally revert to reviewing the importance of showing respect and consideration for authority figures, including therapists.
Yes! It’s Discipline Time
For some, this part of parenting is the most difficult, and it seems like a quick fix to have someone else fix/discipline our children. But what else is to be expected of them if most of the time with them is spent yelling? If this is the approach, both parents and children will continue to rise up the escalator of anger.
This anger iceberg tool may also illustrate what feelings are really underneath brewing. Sometimes understanding how we feel gives us options in our reactions.
This is an ongoing journey for many parents and caregivers. Therefore, there is no use judging a caregiver needing more effective methods to help reach angry kids and youth. Instead, I try to lead with a heart to help, with useful tools like anger iceberg illustration above CLICK FOR PDF FROM INNER GROWTH.
Here is another excellent illustration option below, which was found on the Gottman family website CLICK FOR GOTTMAN LINK
The Bottom Line
Children, by lousy behavior and anger outbursts, are just attempting to say, “I really need and would like a much more loving, positive attention… then your discipline and advice.”
“Your kids require you most of all, to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.”― Bill Ayers
