I greatly appreciated these NeuroLogic videos as a mom of 6+2 during the sudden Coronavirus-19 shutdown pandemic of 2020. My head felt like a roller coaster juggling the shift to organize both my family and teletherapy for several agencies with different protocols. What a ride!
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We Struggle too!
Anger among caregivers is an area I struggle with, from being and working with Parents. Family-based counseling therapeutic methods taught me a great saying:
“it is better to connect before we correct.”
It’s much harder to connect first than to demand kids fix their actions and attitude. It requires us, caregivers, to reach beyond the anger for their HEART.
As a mom of six children (plus a few extras), I understand the many many challenges of parenting. Did I say many? For this reason, I do not judge parents and caregivers who struggle.
I also do not judge caregivers who have spoiled their kids with a lack of discipline, thereby losing their respect. These kids also tend to struggle significantly with anger.
Reconnecting = Reaching Below Anger
When kids are little, reconnecting can be more straightforward because giving attention and kind words are the primary solutions. It seems both children and youth mostly understand genuine love and care more than anything else.
Teens often require more time and effort than younger kids. It can take more work to earn the privilege of connecting if they are consistently angry. Furthermore, if teens stay upset, they may resort to harmful behaviors to cope with their emotions.
After reconnecting with the child or adolescent, I personally revert to reviewing the importance of showing respect and consideration for authority figures, including therapists.
Yes! It’s Discipline Time
For some, this part of parenting is the most difficult, and it seems like a quick fix to have someone else fix/discipline our children. But what else is to be expected of them if most of the time with them is spent yelling? If this is the approach, both parents and children will continue to rise up the escalator of anger.
This anger iceberg tool may also illustrate what feelings are really underneath brewing. Sometimes understanding how we feel gives us options in our reactions.
This is an ongoing journey for many parents and caregivers. Therefore, there is no use judging a caregiver needing more effective methods to help reach angry kids and youth. Instead, I try to lead with a heart to help, with useful tools like anger iceberg illustration above CLICK FOR PDF FROM INNER GROWTH.
Here is another excellent illustration option below, which was found on the Gottman family website CLICK FOR GOTTMAN LINK
The Bottom Line
Children, by lousy behavior and anger outbursts, are just attempting to say, “I really need and would like a much more loving, positive attention… then your discipline and advice.”
“Your kids require you most of all, to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.”― Bill Ayers
What is the real reason behind our kid’s anger? Or perhaps the better question is, “What can we do about it? This anger iceberg diagram is one tool I’ve found to be useful in understanding how anger truly works beneath the surface. 
It can be easy to assume a child’s anger stems from surface-level events, but more is underneath that behavior or attitude than we could imagine.
For example, I met for a session with a child client after a long unexpected absence, and they were very angry with me. Initially, they physically attempted to push me away many times as I walked into the room. I understood their anger was sadness and disappointment because of the time distance.
I have had many fun times with them and their family in the past, but it was easier for them to be mad and reject me. I have experienced similar reactions with teens who will emotionally push me away by acting rude or distant initially.
Since anger is an indicator, the diagram above http://innergrowththerapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/AngerIceberg.pdf gives us a visual to help identify what is happening.
anger iceberg = symptoms
When the children or youth are angry, it is not time to reciprocate their emotions. Nor is it time to lecture them about their manners and behaviors. Instead, I like to try asking if they are sad or hurt in an attempt to help them start expressing their feelings with words.
I’m sooooo excited this week! In my email was great news I believe will help hurting kids and their families. A Trauma Informed Care victory for students in Pennsylvania schools.
I’m thankful for all the hard work of legislators who pushed Trauma Informed Educational Practices into law. This article says state Rep. Christina Sappey penned the bill which was recently signed into law by Gov. Tom Wolf. While there are governmental laws recently put into place for TIC, this new law provides guidelines for schools.
While it feels like I beat my own little trauma drum with my family, clients, colleagues so often my little ones even have trauma informed care (TIC) acronym jokes. I do this because I believe it’s important. Some people sometimes even get annoyed as they begin to practice TIC when I remind them of the patience and self-care required in trauma healing.
This PA legislation just the beginning but it is encouraging. It will take hard work but we need to move forward this educational agenda to help hurting children and youth who are often misunderstood.
What is Trauma Informed Care anyway?
Many people ask:
“What does that trauma stuff mean anyway?” or my favorite,
“You’re just coddling those kids, they need to get over it…I did!”
As a counselor I often feel more like a trauma translator. Helping people realize there are other solutions. What I appreciate is when caregivers and service providers need solutions and become curious enough to ask:
“What difference does it make if we try trauma informed care?”
Trauma Informed Care in practice may promote a significant difference in a child’s life.
It may support their emotional healing and enhance their developmental growth.
Let me ask you.
What does it feel like when you feel people actually “understand” what you are saying? When they “get” you? How does that motivate you to communicate more with them?
Let’s be honest. We as people typically enjoy feeling loved, appreciated, and listened to. Although grace is an oversimplification of TIC, it is the heart behind the philosophy. Plus,there is a ton of neuropsychology brain science and neurobiology data supporting the practice of TIC to heal ACES. ACES are the adverse childhood events researchers use to describe those significant challenging things that happens when someone is a kid. Explaining ACES and the science behind trauma healing is another story and not critical to begin.
Implementation of Trauma Informed Care (TIC) is Definitely a Journey
After explaining some of the science briefly, I help the caregivers and service providers slow down long enough to find out “what happened to the child” before responding aggressively to their angry outbursts. Loving them anyway before requiring necessary consequences. With my own six kids, I definitely get tons of practice. Learning to apply TIC is a character-building journey for the caregiver.It may also require us to investigate why we respond the way we do.
Research is showing us how effective TIC can make educational practices more effective… slowly. I know it will take a “minute” to trickledown in schools. The school wide implementation process can be daunting and take years. Motivated individuals however can equip themselves on how to provide Trauma Informed Care to those they support and educate.
For now let’s celebrate that PA is catching up. Yayyyy!
Admittedly anger is a common and difficult emotion to deal with whether you are feeling it or on the receiving end from someone. I have noticed the explosive and damaging impact on family life when anger goes unchecked. When it’s from a child it’s often difficult for caretakers to contain and manage. Anger in adults can also be difficult to help unless the individual chooses to address their challenges.
I recently found a great video on anger on Dove.TV channel YouTube. I enjoyed therapist Patrick Doyle because he breaks down components of anger then discusses how to understand and deal with adult’s who have anger management challenges. What I love most about this resource is how Doyle weaves in his personal challenges to overcome overcome anger that was a byproduct of his childhood abuse by one of his parents. I found it to be a relatable and practical resource I have recommended to many so I decided to write about it. Part 2 Looking Beyond the Anger was even more useful for information to deal with anger.
Since anger is unavoidable whether we express it or not, I have a few principles for people to consider:
1. Anger is a symptom. If someone is angry, including myself it’s typically just the tip of a glacier iceberg and indicates a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. In this video, Patrick describes anger as often a symptom of underlying hurt or injustice the person perceives they have experienced. I call these “glasses”. Our childhood and life journey often impacts how we view offense.
2. If someone says they are not angry but often appear smoldering has investigation work to do. For some reason they are unaware and unwilling to accept their own emotions. I ask questions like:
Why?
How long has it been this way?
If answers are not obvious and easy then I pull out a trauma-informed lens to further ask root questions that begin with
What happened to them?
What was their family of origin like?
3. Grief and disappointment are often subcomponents of ongoing anger. These troubling factors are often not easily resolved so it’s usually also time to consider any coping techniques. Kids especially benefit from learning ways to “Get the yuck stuff out” and so do adults. If we don’t… we are back to step 1 symptoms.
4. Some people continually choose not to show or express their anger. Kids often do this because they have no clue how to use words. Adults may minimize pain and pretend they aren’t hurting. Then the symptoms may show up like illnesses. Kids may also act out and mistakenly seem to have an attitude or low motivation. Meanwhile the root may possibly unresolved trauma.
