What is the real reason behind our kid’s anger? Or perhaps the better question is, “What can we do about it? This anger iceberg diagram is one tool I’ve found to be useful in understanding how anger truly works beneath the surface. 
It can be easy to assume a child’s anger stems from surface-level events, but more is underneath that behavior or attitude than we could imagine.
For example, I met for a session with a child client after a long unexpected absence, and they were very angry with me. Initially, they physically attempted to push me away many times as I walked into the room. I understood their anger was sadness and disappointment because of the time distance.
I have had many fun times with them and their family in the past, but it was easier for them to be mad and reject me. I have experienced similar reactions with teens who will emotionally push me away by acting rude or distant initially.
Since anger is an indicator, the diagram above http://innergrowththerapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/AngerIceberg.pdf gives us a visual to help identify what is happening.
anger iceberg = symptoms
When the children or youth are angry, it is not time to reciprocate their emotions. Nor is it time to lecture them about their manners and behaviors. Instead, I like to try asking if they are sad or hurt in an attempt to help them start expressing their feelings with words.
